14th Dec 2012 12:46am
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During my life I have been given loads of chances ... sadly I never seemed to have fulfilled them and just moved on and decided to get offered other chances, which I did the same and never decided to follow them up either. These include things like College, University, Jobs, Careers, "personal money earners" ... and sadly I am now too old to do most of the things I wish I did do.

Now I'm older, I am finding the stresses of life becoming all to much and it's not helping when the only way for me to get money is to claim benefits, which require me to find a job, which I can't get a job beccause no one will employ someone who will only be there for about a month, then have to spend 3 months off. That's a fact! Also because I am not at the point of having "3 months off", I cannot also get a sick note to be sign off and not have to look for work. It's an evil circle that's annoying me loads.

Also things on the online side of things are no going anywhere anymore... 5-6 years ago everything I ran online was going brilliantly and I was getting a nice steady £200-£300 a month and that was just the websites being in their infancy. I had the potential to have had them still running now and have easily hit £5,000-£10,000 a month if I was still doing them, but certain folk got in the way of those dreams and totally ruined them for me.

Actually, talking of certain folk... a lot of things in my life have all been messed up by certain people. I know I only have about 2, if not 3 [REAL] people in my life that have always been there for me and will always be there for me - yeah, they may nag sometimes, but I know they're doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. Sadly though there's a load of people that're there in your life for a bit, everything seems all joyful, then all your hopes and dreams that you've built up before they appeared all come crashing down quicker than the Twin Towers.

This is probably all going to sound silly and not in any type of order, well to be honest, I really don't care. The point I feel I am at in my life at the moment is if I were to be a computer game, then I would be clicking Menu -> End Game.

Upon moving house, I came across loads of my old stuff from when I was at Connexions (yeah, because I didn't even attend high school, so once again ANOTHER fail in my life, by NOT getting any G.C.S.E's) ... and it really upset me to see all my goals that I wanted to do back then... I had everything all nicely planned out, but sadly I took a wrong turn somewhere back then, oh yeah, the wrong turn was the internet. The internet is a world full of fake dickheads that can be whatever they want to be... there are no rules on the internet, nobody saying you have to be this, you have to be that... you just make it how you want it. I did that. I made it something I wanted it to be. It was good. Too good to stop. And by the time it got really good all those goals I previously wrote, went straight out the window. I moved around. Even The Mother didn't know where in the country - or even if I was still in the country - where I was. In my head I didn't know where I was. I was lured in with various false promises and hopes. I was a gullible youngster, living a false fake life.

Sadly I cannot turn the clock back now and stop all the bad things and choices I took. Some will say it has made me who I am today, but to be honest, it hasn't. On the outside I am this lovely human that seems to enjoy life and seem grown-up and respectable, but inside I am acheing... hurting... bottling up all these years of being a let down. I look at myself now... I'm pretty much chain smoking and if I have no money for cigarettes, I will go through the ashtray and use the dockers to make a smoke... everytime I have the slightest bit of money, I will spend it on booze (usually the cheap and nasty stuff)... and I believe I am hooked on tram . a . dol (have to spell it like that, otherwise my site throws a spaz), well I think I must be considering I can take 28 of the 50mg's in the space of 6 hours and not throw up or overdose... and I find if I see them, I take them. I can't stop it... I love the feeling of relaxing, floating and actually being able to get a good nights sleep.

I am a fuck up. A total fuck up.

Even though none of this seems to make sense, I am having some quiet time to think over things.

I will NOT be checking Twitter, Facebook, Emails, SV, DH, Grindr, WhatsApp, KiK nor my Phone stuff either. I need to be with myself.

How long will I be? Pfft. I don't know. I might return at some stage... well that's if I'm around... I might just let everything else just crash to the ground.

Anyways, as I said earlier Menu -> End Game.

...

 

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Comments

14th Dec 2012 03:00

I Love You No Matter What!! Keep Ur Chin Up Things Can Only Get Better <3 x
By The Sister


14th Dec 2012 07:22

From time to time we all hit the bottom, but that is when the fun and excitement our life has starts - when we start the upward journey to happiness.
Your friend are here for you Dale
Hugs etc
Biggles
By Biggles


14th Dec 2012 19:33

Sorry to hear you're down.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

By Captain Kirk


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