15th Dec 2013 08:01am
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So I spent most of the early hours of this morning randomly browsing the internet (as I usually do when I'm feeling tired) and I came across a website called Respect Yourself, ran by Warwickshire County Council's Respect Yourself Campaign Team, NHS Warwickshire. Basically it's a website offering absolutely *loads* of information to people about sexual health.

Now I know, from previous experience, that usually the leaflets you see in the doctors or at sexual health clinics (when you go for your regular check up - which you SHOULD be doing - even if you haven't engaged in any sexual relations in the past few months) that they try and make them appeal to the younger generation, so instead of using proper terms for your bits and bobs, they use a lot of slang terms... probably because we seem to remember things better if they've made us smirk or giggle. However NOTHING prepared me for what I went onto next.

Now bare in mind, at the moment I am totally flued up and have a proper chesty/phlegmy cough, so the slightest thing that makes me laugh out loud - or LOL, to you younger readers - sends me into a right fit of coughs. Well I found that they had a "Your Questions" page, so I thought I'd give that a quick read through and see what has been asked, just as a recap for my own knowledge and I was only expecting to see a small page filled with the usual generic questions (i.e; when will I grow hair downstairs? I think I've snapped my penis? Can girls masturbate?), however it was quite different.

I know that your sexual health isn't really a laughing matter as it's a serious and important part of everyone's life, but this "Your Questions" page was huge and after reading just a few of the questions near the top of the page, I was engrossed by the responses. Whoever wrote the responses definitely had their Weetabix that morning.

Here are a selection of some of them on the site (questions in larger text, replies in smaller bold text), along with some of my reactions (in brackets and formatted in italics).

Can you have sex in the ear?

People can find having their ears kissed and sucked very pleasurable (although it's not for everyone) it is a very sensitive area. However, you should never poke anything inside anyone's ear (that includes your penis) even if it does fit!

(Random question, but why on Earth you would want to? :/)


Help, my penis lets out tomato sauce during sex!

(Tomato Sauce! O_O Suppose, that's one way to describe it.)


How do boys want girls' fannys to look?

Most are just happy to see a fanny!

(Ha!)


How do I grow my penis?

Use some good quality nitrogen rich soil, water it everyday, store in a well lit area - some people say that you should talk to it too - or play it music?

(I play Westlife's, You Raise Me Up, to mine. Didn't work.)


How do you make a baby?

Take 300 million sperm, served in 5ml of semen, drizzled from the tip of a penis. Leave to marinate inside a woman's vagina. With luck one will mix and combine with 1 egg, released fresh from her ovary. Once combined leave to cook for 9 months!

(Didn't see that in my cookery book...)


How do you turn a girl on?

Make sure her cable is plugged in and then there is a little red switch on her back

(Will USB work?)


How long can a man last with a fat girl?

(Bahahahaa!)


How to get a girl to squirt further than normal?

What you do, is don't believe that all pornography is real. It isn't.

(Oh lord, I haven't had my breakfast yet, though good answer)


I had a child mid teens and am worried my vagina is now too embarrassingly big to have sex again?

You poor thing - but I guarantee you there is NOTHING WRONG with your vagina. This is something that really winds me up and I rant about often - there are so many jokes about bucket fannys...

(The answer started fine... then I cracked)


If you do a girl up the bum and she farts will you die?

No.

(Totally lost it! Had to have a five minute break.)


If you wank too much your penis will shrink?

No. You won't go blind, it won't drop off, you won't develop mental illnesses or grow hair on your hands.

(Some of these myths... makes you wonder where they've come from.)


Is it illegal to have sex with an animal that is dead?

People can and do fantasise about very weird and wonderful things however bestiality - sex with animals (dead or alive) is illegal. Animals cannot consent (agree) to sex...

(... tha fudge?!)


Is it normal for my penis to change colour in different conditions?

Not really unless you are a chameleon...

(*hunts for Culture Club album*)


I sit next to a really attractive man at work and i find that my downstairs area sometimes becomes extremely wet. Is it normal?

It is perfectly natural to get turned on when we find someone attractive - for girls this means that they might feel wet between their legs.

(Don't worry girl, I've felt the same...)


Is it normal to have sexual fantasies over dolphins?

(GTFO.)


Is it true black people have bigger willies?

No.

(Obvious.)


Is it true that teeth can grow in a vagina?

NO!

(I remember watching a film once about the toothed vagina.)


What are blue waffles?

(You don't want to know. Just saying. Oh and Red Pancake too... avoid that one.)


What does "mott" mean?

Mot - a Keith Lemon term used on Celebrity Juice - another word for oral sex on a woman - kissing and licking her genitals.

(Oh, I see people are still picking up on that arseholes words)


Why is my penis abnormally large?

It is not... That is your leg. Your penis is the one in the middle!

(BOOM!)


If you put a whisk up a girl's vagina and twist it will it feel good?

I highly doubt it - and I'm sure Delia Smith would be appalled!

(Dunno, she may have had a whisk or two in her time.)


What is "Ice docking"?

Ice docking is apparently the practice of freezing a poo to use later as a dildo?!

(No. Way. ... ... ... ... ... ... Bahahahahahaahaaahahahaaha!!)


Phew, I'm wiping the tears from my eyes... these are just some of the many questions and answers on that page. The site is jam-packed with loads more pages of information, the link is below for you. I also did enjoy and giggle at this line too:

"Girls also have another set of lips - they are called the labia or less technically as fanny flaps"

» Respect Yourself

 

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